Sunday, August 7, 2011

How to Prevent Obesity

California has required restaurant chains to put calorie totals on their menu. But, calories are abstract, and there is a much more direct way to tell someone "this is a lot of food."

Fortune Cookies
Because nothing says "you have issues with portion control" like a treasure trove of fortune cookies in with your Chinese food takeout. It's a direct way to communicate the number of people who should be required to consume that amount of food.

The fortune cookie method of battling obesity is simple. Just require restaurants to include one fortune cookie for a set number of calories. Order a quadruple whopper with fries and a shake? That's fine, but you must face the shameful presence of five fortune cookies in with your order.

Here is a handy key to fortune cookie presence in a takeout/delivery order for one person:

1 Cookie - Yay, a fortune!*

2 Cookies - Maybe they're just being nice . . .

3 Cookies - You should google gyms in your area to temporarily alleviate shame

4 Cookies - Do you have another person hidden in your closet?

5 Cookies - Avoid eye contact with the delivery person.

6 Cookies - Jamie Oliver is currently planning a TV show based on your life.

*My most recent fortune cookie read "Eat your fruits and vegetables to strengthen your health." Americans are so fat that even an industry which critically relies on deep frying every and any animal part is worried about us.

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